I thought some words needed to have a correct definition so here we go. My Own Private Glossary.

A Rio Ferdinand

A person of immigrant status to a country, who has incredibly contorted, ugly and slightly odd facial features, but still seems to be able to have sex with whomever they like, because of the fact that they seem to use the media to hypnotise women into thinking that their beauty lies below their thighs while they are on a football pitch, as opposed to above their thighs while they are walking the street, as normal people do.

Rio Ferdinand's are often very wealthy people, who have no possible financial need to commit crime, and yet somehow still find themselves in trouble with the police, due to their over-sized ego's that make them believe that they are the above the rest of the general population. It often surprises them to learn that when it comes to drunken chav-like brawls outside of public houses, they are treated with the same type of disgust that others are treated with by the police.

These people like to take the money, status, media attention, wealth, popularity and celebrity status that most other famous people have, but they do not wish to also be responsible for a creating a certain role-model image for young fans that other famous celebrities try to do.


An under 25, Burberry wearing, school dropout with a shitty hatchback painted in a shocking shade of luminous yellow or orange, and has various lumps of plastic stuck to it in order (According to him) to make it look good and go faster! They also have a huge stereo which is probably worth more than the car itself!

Chav's can also been seen wandering the streets kicking cars for no reason and saying "gimme 20p, dickhead" so they can go and buy some crack or something.


Usually some year 11 school girl with pulled back bleach-blonde hair who insists on wearing a matching white tracksuit (The same as her Chav "Owner") and Burberry accessories - They can usually be found sucking off anyone with a Burberry hat, and popping along to the latest Club tunes.

The ratio of Chavette's to Chav's is usually 1:4 - So that's one Chavette per four Chav's - All of which she's shagged at some point...

Cockbiting Fucktard

Someone of little intelligence who makes a living from smoking the man pole


A showoff, particularly someone who uses his car as an expression of his penis size.


A word to describe the current unserviceable condition of something that has been made that way by a careless or destructive cunt. Not to be confused with 'Fucked' which is merely something which is of no use to man nor beast.
e.g. I allowed my Wife to drive my car yesterday, and now the clutch is Cunted.
As opposed to; I have owned my car for eight years, and now the clutch is fucked.


A younger version of, and normally applies to the entire offspring of a Cunt. This includes the entire workforce of mcDonalds, All Chavs, and nearly every living human under the age of 16.


Applied to someone you wish to be rid of rather quickly. As the name implies............ the smell of a fetid unwashed vagina.

as in: "don't be such a fuckfaced cuntwaft" or, more commonly, "fuck off, cuntwaft"


Some old woman who smells of wee and can't park her car in two spaces, never mind one.


Fucktard (n) A cross between a "Fuckwit" and a "Retard"

"Fucktard's" are a species of their own. Both a "Fuckwit" and a "Retard" except can't be narrowed down into either catagory.

"Fucktard's" are often found on internet chat rooms or forums. They are somehow allowed to communicate with normal members of society, however, their efforts are usually pointless.

They have over time delevloped their own unique style of communication. For example, when communicating on a bulletin board, they tend to ignore the topic completely and instead post some random crap, usually as a means of seeking atention.

Only other "fucktard's" can understand this logic.

It is believed that "Fucktard's" are often illiterate, and do not seem to know how to interact on forums. Ie, the "New thread" button is beyond their comprehension. Although, on occassion, one or two may click it by accident, and proceed in posting more random crap for no reason. Often twice, or three times just in case...


A person of sub-standard mental capacity, generally finds its difficult to hold an intelligent conversation or even perform the act of thinking and breathing at the same time.


(Also known as Gippo's) - Slang word for Gypsie's or "New Age Travellers"

Similar to pikies, they live in delapidated caravans usually towed by a D reg Sierra estate or cavalier...

Can often be spotted on your local high street selling locks of heather or wooden pegs.

Come in two sorts - Pikie (Irish "Travellers") and Romanian (Tend to curse people a lot)

Should you ever strike down a gyppo who get's on your tits, you shall either be burnt in your sleep or cursed for all eternity - depending on which type you struck down...

Gyppo's can usually be found in fields enmasse, and tend to have an ancient ritual where they "arrange" rubbish bags and trash in random patterns when they eventually leave...

Hairdresser's Car

Generally a small car, for example a Ford KA, Corsa, Peug. 106 etc etc generally driven by women, generally sounds like the hairdryer they use at work too

Health & Safety

These people can be found almost anywhere in the United Kingdom, but they can more commonly be found in business establishments. Unlike the rest of the population, they are incapable of performing even the most basic of tasks, without a full police escort, several innoculations, a full risk assesment inc. charts, graphs, a clipboard and the full terms and conditions of their insurance policy.

These people are often mistaken for being lazy, as they are usually heard to use the said term "Health & Safety" whenever they are asked to perform a task that they do not wish to complete. You cannot become a member of the 'Health and Safety' without a degree in 'Stating the fucking obvious' and a deep skill of patronisation.

Hobby Bobby

A confused person, usually of male origin, who was born into the body of a street cleaner, but feels as if he should have been born into the body of a policeman. This species usually tries many times, unsuccesfully, throughout his life, to join the local constabulary, and will always approach his mid 30's as a frustrated, deranged, and angry individual. After exhausting all possible avenues into the police service, the said individual then turns to his only other option, the 'Special Constable'.

Although this role is not ideal for the wannabe grunting pig, any such frustrations this may cause is easily channelled towards innocent members of the public, who may have just thrown a pork pie wrapper at a public bin, and missed.

Horsey People

Person or persons who feel impelled to hammer four U-shaped pieces of iron to the hooves of an Equus Caballus (a horse) and then use said animal as a mode of transport on the Queens public highway with the consequence of causing congestion and frustration to tax paying motorists.

These Horsey People can also be of the motorised variety for example they may transfer their Horse into the rear of a aged motor vehicle clearly unsuitable for use on the Queens public highway and proceed to travel to their destination at no more than twenty five miles per hour.

Keyboard Killage

The act of totalling your keyboard by sudden forceful ejection of whatever fluid may be being drunk at the time(!!), caused by a humorous post or similar.

Left handed browser

A Wanker.

Somebody who uses their mouse left handed, in order to masturbate simultaneously (Or in this case, Stimultaneously)

This action is usually performed with a left handed mouse, which may or may not be a left handed mouse..... :nana


(n) Not to be confused, verbally or otherwise, with elitists, lentilists are their equal and opposite. Generally malnourished, prematurely-grey-haired, clad in all-organic fabrics and hemp sandals, the lentilist is the champion of all things pink and liberal. They firmly believe that all people are essentially good inside, and are entitled to the same rights and privileges as everyone else. Which is why you’ll often find the lentilist promoting schemes such as the loosening of border controls, mandatory employment of ethnic minorities in jobs they can’t do, and the re-integration of violent criminals into the community because “it’s society’s fault”. That’s when they’re not scoffing organic lentils and tofu, washed down with ginseng tea, in their cosy country kitchens of course. Damn hippies.


An abuser of opium derived substances aka Smack-Head
Derives from the over use of the phrase when begging for 20p: "S'Okay, I'moffit"


A stupid idiot who doesnt have a clue. Usually used in the context of people who cant drive. These people are usually found driving people carriers and Nissan Micras.

Old Holborn

A prize inconsistent bullshitting twat of the highest order. A delusional pathological liar.


A caravan dwelling itinerant who knows how to get the best of both worlds; how to claim handouts and work and pay no tax. Leaves his shit (literally) all over the place so those of us who do pay our way have to clean up after them. They specialise in laying tarmac a centimetre thick and block paving to the lowest possible standard. The womenfolk specialise in collecting bags of old clothes left out by people who think the clothes are going to charity. The children must become expert thieves by the time they are 8 or face being left with social services. Can be distinguished from proper Gypsies by their Irish accents.


Any thing, idea or person that is so ridiculous that you just want to throw it down the pan and piss on it.


Pub (n) Abbreviation for "Public House"

Although called a public house, chav's and immigrants are often not welcome. Alcoholic beverages are usually sold in said establishments, and a wide variety of ball sports are able to be viewed in many of them on large screens.

Pub's can be found almost everywhere in the United Kingdom and can come in many different forms.

Irish pub's always have junk tied to the ceiling and an old bicycle in the window. They are well known for playing folk music and serving various muddy looking pints of slush. The barman is usually always a native Irishman, and can be identified by bright ginger hair and beard.

Welsh pub's are usually adorned with some sort of Rugby memorabilia, and are usually full of gigantic 7 foot Rugby playing blokes. Traditionally, a welshman will order his next drink by singing! Most welsh pub's have cattle grids on the entrance to stop all the sheep from coming in!

Scottish pub's are usually swarming with midges. Glaswegian pubs are also known to deal large quantities of crack and heroin, which is then washed down with a pint. Of methalated spirits. Scottish pub's are well known for serving a deep brown ale which is undrinkable by anyone not on the dole.

English pub's. An English institution. Many a board meeting has taken place in the humble English pub. English pubs fall into two categories: The country pub, which is usually frequented by farmers and toffs; and the town / city pub's which are frequented by poofs and builders. The further north you go, the more pub's you will stumble accross.

Raider of the Lost Ark

A generic term for a loser, or somebody who is trying to attain a goal which they are clearly not capable of.


You can get shit-faced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.
With a little effort, you can get your shit together, or find a place for your shit.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between Shit and Shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shits creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider the facts, shit's just another basic building block of English. One more thing - once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else! If you think I'm a shit head for bothering with posting this shit, I don't give a shit - Shit happens.


An object, often inanimate, used for the purpose of orgasmic pleasure but has seen better days.

A good example might be well-thumbed pornographic material, a video with tracking so bad it's no longer watchable, or a fuck-buddy that's turned somewhat 'rubbery' and uninteresting due to overuse.

Unbelievable Paid-Company

A company service that you paid for. To go to the movie or the restaurant. And then she can spend the whole night at your house with complete massages and finitions. When I travel, I always buy some company. Here are my favorites: In France, In Switzerland, In Netherlands, In Russia and Spain

Unless they're munters: (disclaimer)

- a brief set of rules for the use of this excellent and versatile phrase:

The disclaimer 'unless they're munters' sits quite happily after almost any positive generalisation of women, the term positive being based on the issuer's specific set of criteria for a good woman (within reason).

As a disclaimer it is most pertinent when uttered within a group of competitive male peers, but ironically yields the least impact.
The greatest impact is achieved in female company, preferably lesbian strangers.
Mixed company can produce good results, notably: dinner parties, weddings/ funerals/ bar mitzvahs and speeches in formalised institutions, e.g. High Court hearings.

It's interesting to note that any male consistently attracted to munters is forbidden by law from using the above disclaimer.


For all the grumpy to share their general ranting.
Here a the main topics (the forum will be available soon)


The Daily Rant

Share your daily rants, what pissed you off today and why? How did you react? Did you put them on fire? We want to know it all so you better share some tea!


Incoherant Ramblings

For those days when your not feeling miserable enough to post in the main forums.. you bloody fairy! For those days where you got f***ed up right in the morning


Help & Mental illness

Having trouble at home? Feeling desperate? Need help with an assisted suicide? Cancer, look no further, our trained counsellors will help ease your anguish. Did you try les Fleurs de Bach?

Grump Of The Month

I'd love to introduce a monthly contest calle something like Grump Of The Month but that's too basic bitch so help me and send out some names ideas